There
are certain rules and conduct within the Lifestyle. Swinging isn't only about
sex. It is about a community of people that care a lot about not stigmatizing
the act of sex. Swingers are not cheaters. Swinging is not illegal in most US
jurisdictions. (Check your local state, county and city ordinances on Adultery
and Fornication laws.) The only societal hangup is the moral issue...and that
comes down to your personal beliefs or feelings.
Rules
The golden rule in the Lifestyle is "No means
NO!" This is the mantra of the Lifestyle. This is particularly
important to single males who wish to Swing. Respecting everyone is
paramount and maintaining a good comfort level is imperative. Pushy,
arrogant, or pompous people will not last long in the Lifestyle. We are
a very close-knit community and your word-of-mouth reputation goes a
long way.
Anyone (yourself included) may say no
at any time for any reason, without further explanation. If you’re in a
situation that makes you uncomfortable, just say NO! Don’t jeopardize
your joy and satisfaction with the Lifestyle - or that of your partner -
by doing anything against your will. Don’t submit to guilt or pressure.
Swinging is fun. Keep it that way. Disentangle yourself as quickly as
possible with a firm, but gentle response. Be honest but up-front in
order to avoid misunderstandings.
Always be
kind. First and foremost. It’s the proper, humane way to behave.
Secondly, you may reconsider and want to party with them later. Keep
your options open.
Everyone has
been rejected at some time. If you’re rejected do NOT take personal
offense. Keep the encounter upbeat and light. Who knows? The person
who passes up the opportunity today, may want to play with you tomorrow,
or may be the key to you meeting another terrific partner!
Know your own
likes, dislikes, boundaries and strengths, thoroughly. Encourage and
aid others in their own explorations. Keep relationships friendly
and pleasant. Always propose, never impose! Swingers feel their way
through encounters in more than one way. Open all channels of
communication.
Deal with jealousy head-on! It’s a
normal, human reaction. Learn what triggers jealousy in yourself and in
your partner. Then work things out. This may mean modifying certain
activities, curtailing others or finding new means of sexual
expression. Festering jealousies are destructive. Seek constructive
remedies as soon as possible.
Let your
steady partner know he or she is always number one! Take time to stroke
their ego. Be generous with a kiss and a smile. Touch bases with each
other often, so that you both feel secure. Always arrive together.
Honor any and all prior understandings. Always leave together.
Use common
sense and courtesy when you’re at a swing club, a meeting place, or
someone’s house. Concentrate on being kind, thoughtful and sensitive
and smile. Happiness is contagious!
Respect the
guidelines others set, and make your own wishes and desires
clear. There should be no surprises! If you’re Bi for example, ask if
the couple or single you have chosen has a similar interest. Likewise,
if you really object to Greek or Bondage, bring it up for discussion.
Once you’re all comfortable with the format, let the games begin!
Before,
during and after you party, pay close attention to “Body
Language.” There’s more to human interaction than just sexual signals,
but that’s definitely part of the picture. Enhance your romance by
considering the total person. Learn to read the signs and you’ll pick
up on what makes your partner comfortable, happy, excited, and
ultimately satisfied.
DISCRETION IS
PARAMOUNT IN THE SWING COMMUNITY! Who you see, what you see and what
you and everyone else does, MUST remain private. Never, never discuss
details with anyone not intimately involved. Promoting the Lifestyle is
wonderful. Publicizing it is unforgivable.
Demand
absolute discretion...and be worthy of the same!
Remember:
Although the Lifestyle is about having fun with sex, it doesn't mean
that it is ONLY about sex. Attraction, chemistry and social graces mean
a lot to being successful with other couples and singles.
Truths and Pitfalls
A good friend of ours put to words so
eloquently some general truths and observations about the Lifestyle.
These are put here in a very blunt and raw form so you will understand
that the Lifestyle is not always such a perfect place. Below are his
observations and comments:
Altogether too often, when a new
couple first decides to dip their toe in the open sexuality water, many
of the more experienced Swingers that they meet earnestly respond to the
questions of the newbies by pumping them full of the polite lies we tell
each other about the lifestyle. Among the ones that most newbies hear,
and many believe, are:
1. Most couples start as soft-swap. (Demonstrably untrue.)
2. Most women in the Lifestyle are
bi-sexual. (Many Lifestyle women are bisexual, a much larger fraction
enjoy some occasional play as part of the scene, and a significant
fraction feel pressured to participate in bi-play.)
3. Swingers are much less likely to
cheat on their spouses than vanillas. (Can't say for certain of the
comparison, but I know of a lot of cheating that goes on in the
lifestyle.)
4. Swingers are open-minded. (Yeah, right...I think a larger fraction
of Swingers than vanillas might be pretty open minded, but a lot of them
are just horny people that like to f*ck.)
5. "We seek friends first." (Hmmm, if I had a nickel for everybody
that says that...this is true only if you define "Friend" as someone
that on first meeting, after two drinks you are best buddies and ready
to f*ck.)
6. Swingers all have great marriages. (That ignores a big fraction
that joined to try to fix problems in their marriages...some of which
actually have some success with this approach.)
7. Everyone tests for STD's regularly. (Yeah, sure.)
8. People always use condoms. (Most
people insist that they use condoms, and a startling number will try
to sneak it in without condoms when you combine group play, dark room,
and alcohol.)
9. Lifestyle people are just sweet,
friendly people. (MANY, I would say MOST are...but there are also quite
a few very predatory Swingers with agendas, and many of those purposely
prey on newbies.)
10. Swingers are never sexually jealous.
(How many single females have learned to their chagrin that this is
not actually true?)
The
TRUTH that we should be telling new people is that Swinging can be a lot
of fun if they are emotionally able to handle it...but Swingers, by and
large, are like any other large group of people. Some good, some not
so good, some will lie, cheat and steal; some will give you the shirt
off their back, as well as the thong off their crotch. And while
Swinging can be a great deal of fun, always have your own voice to say
"NO THANK YOU" when something is not what YOU want.
Ultimately, Swinging is what the individual makes of it, and they need
to keep their eyes open and realize that not all Swingers have their
best interests at heart.
While we
agree with our friends observations, we don't want this to be something
to dwell on. We just felt it was important to let folks know that bad
things (and people) exist in just about every social environment. The
Lifestyle is no exception. Thank you, Michael, for your words of
wisdom.
If you want to see what the higher-learning
institutions have to say about their studies on the Lifestyle, see
[Institute for Advanced Study of Human
Sexuality].